Top Ten Pregnancy Surprises

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August 1, 2011 by Alicia

I want you to know, I tried really hard to stay away from the cliche pregnancy symptoms like “you’ll gain weight, you’ll get sick, you’ll eat pickles.” etc… While those things can be quite true, I hope you’ll find this list a little more enlightening to the things that people don’t warn you about.

10. You get hairier.  Yep, it’s true. I won’t discuss where. But it would have been nice if someone mentioned that so I didn’t wonder if I was baking a human or a werewolf.

9. Your existing weight moves around. I hadn’t gained a pound and yet my pants were MUCH tighter. Mr. Rockstar says he’s going to buy me a “wide load” sign for my rear end (you should hear his sound effects of me walking).

8. If you’re sick, everyone else wants to tell you how they never got sick. How does this make sense? They ask if I’ve been sick, they get an honest answer (we all remember the rice situation) and then they proceed to tell me how they didn’t throw up once. Really? That’s great, now I need to run to the bathroom and see the pretzels I just ate in reverse. See ya later!

7. You develop a super smeller. I had no idea that my nose would be quite so attentive during this process. I almost tossed all my cookies and then some walking through Wal Mart just because of the mixture of smells. They say that when one sense is blocked, the others are heightened. I’m going to assume that my blocked sense is bladder control (yes I know it’s not one of the 5 senses, but really, it’s an issue).

6. You stink. That’s right. I won’t even address the sweating or the odors it produces. I’m talking about real, raunchy, and unfortunate…. g a s. Growing up with brothers, I’ve smelled my share of scents that should never come out of a human. Now- I’m one of them. They may not always be loud and obnoxious- but they’ll knock you out. Poor hubs – but I mean, he was an… um.. active participant in this whole state of affairs.

5. You get winded easier. I don’t mean when you’re exercising, I mean just living everyday life. Apparently once you get to a certain point the baby is on your lungs and you start sounding like the big bad wolf from the 3 little pigs. It doesn’t take much to make this mama huff and puff these days.

4. The tears. Oh the tears. We’ve all heard about pregnancy hormones and mood swings. Well, being someone who is already fairly sassy (shocking I know), I had wondered how these hormones would affect me. Well the good Lord found a way. Crying. I’m not a big cryer, I don’t like it. I avoid all things sentimental and emotional and have this giant, well built, steel wall around my heart (it’s lucky I got anyone to marry me). For the hubs, whose wife rarely cries, this symptom has been pretty shocking. He looks like a deer in headlights, and of course tries to fix it. We won’t go into that.

3. Normal working digestive system – out the window. I never had any trouble with, ahem, bathroom happenings or belching or heartburn or indigestion or anything. I now realize I took a normal working body for granted. A good burp is like a golden ticket these days. They say if you have indigestion that your kid will be hairy- if that’s the case, I might actually be growing a werewolf. The bathroom? Let’s just say that if you have everything in working order- thank the Lord.

2. It hurts to crack your back. Now for some, this may not be an issue. I am the one who cracks her back at least 4-5 times a day. And it cracks from top to bottom- it’s a glorious feeling, really. The best is the first crack in the morning and the last crack at night. Ahh, those were the days. I can’t even turn too fast without feeling like I pulled a tendon or popped a ligament, let alone crack my back. I can’t wait for my first, post pregnancy back crack – it’s going to be so great.

1. You will get asked the most personal of questions.Now I’m not really a big boundaries person, I just put it all out on the table pretty much all of the time. I don’t mind talking about the things that make others blush (could you tell?).  But that people (you don’t know well) ask if you were trying? Really? Ok, why don’t you tell me about your contraceptives, your ovulation cycle, and your sex positions and then I’ll tell you whether or not we intended to procreate. Thanks, have a great day.

*Baking Time: 25.5 Weeks
*MIA: Ankles
*Cravings: Ice cream, cake, chocolate- just give it!
*Aversions: Acidic drinks.
*Worst symptom: It hurts when I sneeze.

*Lessons Learned: Standing in one place too long makes me feel like I’m going to pass out.

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